My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
