I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I think we might need a safe word for this...
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
