people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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