it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
