Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
