Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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