I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
