it's too hot outside to masturbate.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
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