have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
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