No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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