so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
