Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.