i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.