I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
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he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
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And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian