dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
