Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
