Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
