im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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