I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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