I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
zippers are such a cool invention
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
