Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just had sex on a roof
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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