I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
