It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
