I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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