Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
