help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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