i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
