is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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