apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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