hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
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Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
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It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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