My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Randomize
