it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
