I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize
