you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
