Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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