Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
