I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
