It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
