Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
