you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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