I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He better not be in your backpack
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
