You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
