Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Randomize
