Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
How naked do you want me to be?
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