oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Your dad touched me again.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
