Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
