Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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