I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
