She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
