she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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