I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
