He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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