Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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