Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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