This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
