I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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