New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
fuck your aforementioned shoe
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Randomize
