Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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