I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
