My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
