I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
